Aug. 14/2011
This blog has been resurrected and reorganized! Huzzah!
Food porn. It’s a wonderful thing.
A few days ago I was introduced to the most fabulous, scintillating website by a secret internet friend.
It is called “Food Porn Daily”.
…
I am sorry that it’s not actual porn. But all things considered, it’s probably much better.
Oh baby
Marry me
Foodgasm
Come here you
Time to “click, drool, repeat”!!!!!!!
University soon!
So in another 2 weeks or so, I will be going to university! It is a day that I have been looking forward to for quite a while because for the first time ever I’d actually be free. Well, relatively free anyway. And not mortally afraid of my parents all day long.
I’ve been going through all my old files and organizing things. Then I remembered that I had this blog.
The truth is that I have left it in a state of sad neglect. All sorts of strange tags everywhere, for example. All sorts of strange posts on top of that. Therefore it was necessary for me to revamp it (excuse the word. I’ve been playing too much Vindictus.)!
- Some old nonsense posts have been moved to the cozy trashcan.
- All the old tags have been removed.
- Some of the old categories have been removed. Now all posts are basically split between “Awful things” and “Fabulous things”. Things which are neither awful or fabulous are not worth mentioning anyways. For a complete list of the categories, you may visit the “Setup” page below the banner!
- The old posts which have not been killed off are now tagged with “Posts from high school”!
- The “About” page has been edited.
I think that’s about it.
I organized! I feel good.
ALL HAIL PAUL II.
You thought that with Paul the Oracle-Octopus’s spectacular death, this whole psychic octopus rubbish would now be over, right?
Well. Not quite.
You see, Paul was so amazing that it has been deemed appropriate for him to have a successor. The German aquarium that had the honour of housing Paul’s all-knowing tentacles has revealed Octopus Paul the Second, apparently “amid great fanfare”.
BEHOLD, PAUL II!
Oh my god. Oh my god. Is that not the cutest octopus you have ever seen??????
IT IS SO PRECIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!
I can just tell he will grow up to be one handsome octopus fella.
Unfortunately, as of now, it isn’t clear whether Paul II would attempt the football-match-prediction thing. I’m rather hoping that he wouldn’t because it would be very difficult indeed to live up to the glorious Paul’s name.
What really amuses me, however, is the fact that they’ve named him “Paul II”.
Imagine if this keeps going and then we’d have Paul III, Paul IV, Paul V, and so on.
That would make me very happy, actually.
PAUL THE OCTOPUS HAS DIED. RIP.
Something disastrous has happened. A legend of an octopus is no longer with us. Hopefully he has gone to a better place, like Octopus Heaven. Actually, he probably predicted his own death and is now laughing at us mere mortals from above and planning his spiritual takeover of the world.
Paul the Oracle-Octopus has died mysteriously yesterday and disappeared in a puff of smoke.
If you don’t know who he was, shame on you and may I present his Wikipedia biography (Yes. You know that he’s important when he has his own page on Wikipedia, which we probably will never have) to enlighten you of his greatness. Long story short, Paul was an English-born octopus who later became a German citizen. He had predicted ALL of Germany’s World Cup 2010 matches, as well as the final match between Holland and Spain, correctly. That’s eight out of eight. For your information, roughly calculating the probability of that is 50% to the power of 8. Which is around 0.39% chance.
As of now, it has been decided that Paul’s remains will be cremated, but the decision on his final resting place and funeral is yet to be finalized.
Rest in peace, Paul. You had an epic life. 99% of human beings can never become half as famous as you were. That is proven by how Holland- and Germany-supporting chefs from all over the world created countless recipes to cook you while the Spanish government agents fought to protect you. (No jokes.) You were, like, the Helen of Troy in the Octopus universe.
Helen of Troy. So hot.
Beware of the “Superbug”!
Attention, everyone.
A new enzyme has been discovered by British scientists and it makes bacteria resistant to just about all the antibiotics we know. It does so by turning normal backteria into SUPERBUGS.
Oh snap! Orange wiener-shaped doom!
In other words, it’s creating its own private army of super bacteria in its quest to kill you.
From CBC News:
A new enzyme that turns bacteria into superbugs resistant to even the strongest of antibiotics has emerged in India and soon could spread worldwide, according to an article published Wednesday in The Lancet medical journal.
British scientists have discovered NDM-1, or New Delhi metallo-beta-lactamase 1, an enzyme that alters bacteria, allowing them to flourish even in the presence of nearly all known antibiotics.
Oh great, at least we know its name. WE ARE ONTO YOU, NEW DELHI METALLO-BETA-LACTAMASE 1.
But seriously, this could potentionally be very bad for us. NDM-1 has been found largely in E.Coli bacteria, and we all know that E. Coli is, well, evil. It lurks around your intestines and gives you food poisoning and urinary tract infections. I’m not exactly sure what the second one is, but it sounds highly unpleasant.
E. Coli. As you can see, do not mess with wiener-shaped microorganisms.
And now bacteria such as E.Coli can apparently be turned into the likes of Super E. Coli so that they can’t be killed with antibiotics.
Wait, it gets worse. The gene of this enzyme can be copied and passed on to other bacteria very easily. So that it can build its army of super villains extra quickly, see.
Oh, yeah, it can also lead to fatal pneumonia and “other infections”.
What? What other infections? WHAT OTHER INFECTIONS???????
“The potential for wider international spread of producers and for NDM-1-encoding plasmids to become endemic worldwide, are clear and frightening,” the study’s authors concluded.
Should I pack my bags and move to Norway now?
But NDM-1 has just emerged from India, right? There’s no way it could get to North America so fast!
Well. New Delhi metallo-beta-lactamase 1 has already figured out a way.
NDM-1 has also been detected in Australia, Canada, the Netherlands, the U.S. and Sweden, according to the journal articles, though no figures were given.
It is significant that this new, multi-resistant bug is occurring in common bacteria we all carry like E.coli.
This is an awful dress
Yes. We Chinese people love money.
Your eyes are not deceiving you. That is a giant 100 bill in the Chinese currency, the RMB. Complete with puffy sleeves for your viewing pleasure.
Oh lord.
Remember North Korea at the World Cup? Good times, good times.
After all the drama of Kim Jong-Il allegedly sending tactical brain-waves to the North Korean team by facing in South Africa’s direction:
…and hiring Chinese actors to be fake North Korean supporters fresh off the plane and airing its first ever live soccer match against Portugal, it was surely a fun-filled month for the North Korean team.
Not.
After losing 0-7 to Portugal and 0-3 to the Ivory Coast, the North Korean team probably wasn’t enjoying a nice sauna in the hotel and singing praises for the Great Leader. Wait, they were probably still singing praises for the Great Leader’s brain waves and just blaming themselves for failing to receive them.
At this point everyone understandably started to speculate what was going to happen to these players once they returned to North Korea. Many annoying, yet amusing Facebook statuses along the lines of “OMFG THE PLAYERS ARE GOING TO BE KILLED LOL LOL LOL” started to appear. Conspiracy theories, anyone?
Now, at last, the fate of the North Korean players is revealed.
North Korea’s football squad have been subjected to a public humiliation in the wake of their World Cup failure. The team lost all three games in South Africa, where they were making their first World Cup finals appearance since 1966.
They took the stage at the People’s Palace of Culture in the capital Pyongyang while 400 students subjected them to a six-hour reprimand.
Reports claim coach Kim Jong-Hun was made to work on a building site and expelled from the Workers’ Party of Korea. He was blamed for “betraying the trust of Kim Jong-Un”, one of dictator Kim Jong-Il’s sons, after the country went into the tournament with high hopes of qualifying from the so-called ‘Group of Death’.Japanese-born pair Jong Tae-Se and An Yong-Hak escaped censure, flying straight to Japan from South Korea.
A source from South Korea’s intelligence community told the Chosun Ilbo newspaper: “In the past, North Korean athletes and coaches who performed badly were sent to prison camps. Considering the high hopes North Koreans had for the World Cup, the regime could have done worse things to the team than just reprimand them for their ideological shortcomings.
So, the punishment is to be publicly “reprimanded” by puny students for six hours.
That makes a lecture by your mom seem like a walk on the beach.
And, you see, this wasn’t really that bad because athletes used to be sent to prison camps!
Ironically, the “star” of the North Korean team, the Japanese-born Jong Tae-Se, who cried during the North Korean national anthem, decided to “escape” to South Korea. He also loves expensive cars, beautiful pop-star girls, and iPods. But let us not consider that for now because too much irony can hurt the brain.
Here, have a picture of crying Jong Tae-Se while we say a prayer for the unfortunate North Korean players.
Use in disastrous situations
Here is a handy little website for when something really really awful happens. Which is quite often.
>>>“PRESS IN DIRE SITUATIONS” <<<
I feel better already! Don’t you?
Laundry-obsessed woman writes a sonnet
Ah, the sonnet. One of Shakespeare’s many evil devices to torture the students of today.
My friend got one for his English exam. However, this sonnet does not talk about a beautiful woman or whatever.
It talks about how breathtaking and orgasmic clean laundry is. I present to you “Sonnet” by Anne Clifford.
Sonnet
O whitest wash, that rivals e’en the snow
In shining radiance, enzyme cleansed and free
From grime and grease and filth of human flow,
How deep my neighbours’ envying of thee!
O blankets that blaze forth a purity
That puts the shabby snowdrop in the shade,
O drip dry sheets, that offer surety
Of whiteness that can never melt or fade,
To thee the mighty phosphate bows its head,
and foaming at the mouth to do thy will
Enriches thy magnificence in bed,
Content alone to serve thee with its skill.
Though for thy glory lakes and rivers die
No price for such perfection is too high.
Wow, how not romantic is this? “Enzymes” and “Phosphate” indeed.
This woman either wrote this as a joke, or she has some serious issues. I think it’s a joke. Or I hope it’s a joke.
Anyway, so the line “Enriches thy magnificence in bed” made my silly friend think that the poem is talking about sex. Therefore he went on to write a whole paragraph about how clean laundry makes sex better.
Considering the ridiculousness of this poem, at least his response was funny. So I hope he gets a 90.
Mmm. Clean laundry.
When one hears of a contest named “Worldwide Mr. Gay” the understandable reaction would be, “What? Such a thing exists?”
But it does. And from the looks of it, the contest is quite legit as well.
The World Wide Mr. Gay is something like an annual beauty pageant for homosexual men. The next pageant is set in the Philippines from March 11th to 14th.
Here, enjoy a promotional video:
Fabulous.
So, the point of the competition, according to its very macho-looking website, is the following:
The Worldwide Mr. Gay Competition is a 4-day, indoor/outdoor series of events to help our judges identify a strong spokesman or Ambassador to tell the world about our mission. The Competition includes athletic tests and extensive interviews with our panel of judges. Judging points are based on a diverse set of criteria including qualities in charisma, leadership, personality, appearance and communication.
Which is all very nice. Except amazing athletic abilities and something like a twelve-pack are totally required for an Ambassador. If only that were so, politics would be so much more interesting.
Let’s see, the mission statement:
The primary purpose of Worldwide Mr. Gay (WMG) is to identify leaders who will take responsibility of being a spokesperson not only in his own community but on a global stage speaking out for equal and human rights. WMG is a positive role model and will work on humanizing being gay in the media both queer and mainstream.
Sounds great. They probably should think of a better title though. Because “Mr. Gay Chile Speaks Out” doesn’t sound silly at all.
Here are the delegates of 2010 who competed to be World Wide Mr. Gay (I have to admit the name grows on you after a while though).
Special mention to the Chinese delegate just because China even having a candidate is horrifyingly hilarious. No, seriously. Homosexuality is not met with a smile and an approving slap on the back in China. According to the website each region is responsible for selecting its own delegate, which raises the question: Did the government know about this? China’s Propaganda Agency couldn’t have actually selected a delegate and then shipped him off to represent China. Or could it? If it actually did then it’s a sure sign that the world is ending.
Oh, actually, the Mystery of the Chinese Delegate is now solved.
Six contestants, from countries in the Middle East, Africa and Asia, chose not to travel to Norway (So it was held in Norway this year! Why is Norway always so fabulous? It’s so unfair.) for fear of harassment at home.
Mr Gay China was chosen in a secret competition after authorities raided the venue where the selection was to have taken place in January. Authorities said the event did not have the proper licence.
Mr Gay China said he could face trouble with Chinese authorities when he returned home, but nevertheless travelled to Norway to be an example to others.
“I think that by participating in this competition I will encourage hundreds of thousands of Chinese gays to stand up and
come out of the closet,” said Xiaodai Muyi, 26.
Phew, the world is back to normal. There was just no way that the Chinese government could have actually approved of this event. Raiding the venue and claiming that the event did not have a license sounds about right. Everyone, let’s have a round of applause for Xiaodai Muyi & Co. for their courage in doing this in secret! Let us also say a quick prayer that Xiaodai doesn’t mysteriously “disappear” after he returns to China.
The person who won the title of “2010 Mr. Gay” is the South African delegate, Charl van den Berg. He is pretty. Here is his only blog entry.
Finally, to prove that all of this is not just some imaginary madness, here’s a newspaper article on this wonderfully bizarre event.
And no, my apparent interest in this pageant isn’t weird at all.
Personally I think it’s nice that these people are trying to raise awareness and stop homophobia. I’m just not sure that having a giant beauty pageant is the correct way to do it. But, well, at least the delegates are happy.
“I have been to the gym two hours every day, Monday to Saturday, working with the weights and building up the abs,” said Mr Gay Mexico, 34-year-old Jair Vega.
Good luck to delegates of 2011, and may the best man win! I am also eagerly anticipating “Mystery of the Chinese Delegate Part Two”. I really hope they manage to sneak another person in.
